For over a decade, I have made a living as a teacher. I teach middle and high school English and Spanish classes, and I teach online college classes as well. Although there are definitely challenges (especially the last few months of the most recent school year), I love it (almost all the time). I have always liked the predictable nature of standard employment. I know how much my paycheck will be, when it will come, the duties that are expected of me. I have systems in place for student participation, in-class activities, turning in and passing back work, grading work, filing, etc. It’s comfortable. Even though each year, each class brings individual circumstances and challenges, I am confident in my knowledge of the content and my ability to work with my students.
Working for myself as an author is a WHOLE other thing.
I have discovered that I am not a very good employee. I am inconsistent, I often miss my self-imposed deadlines, goals, and expectations. I get distracted. I often find myself down some “rabbit hole” instead of working on what I tasked myself with.
The distractions come in many forms. I’m tempted to make a pie chart, but that would take even more time away from my intended task. (I am supposed to be working on my layout for my paperback of my second book right now…) I can group my distractions into two categories: useful/productive and outright-waste-of-time. For example, writing a blog post is what I would call a productive distraction. It gives me some introspection, and it provides engagement with my audience (both actual and hypothetical). It is something I can pass off as building my brand, and anything that is in the service of my writing career is productive, right? (I’m telling myself yes.)
I currently have about 23 browser tabs open. 19 tabs are professional development (articles or videos instructing on some aspect of writing or self-publishing, my website, newsletter, market research, etc.) One is the music I am listening to (some might consider that productive?), and two are from me going down a rabbit hole researching a singer who came up on my Pandora. In case you are curious, Vanessa Carlton IS still making music, studied ballet before pursuing a music career, and recently released a music video which demonstrates her dancing skill. Her song “A Thousand Miles” reminds me of a guy I dated in high school because he would sing along animatedly when it came on in the car. I digress, but such is the nature of the rabbit hole.
My brain and attention bounce around between these things in addition to my other responsibilities. Since I started this, I took an excursion with my four year old so he could show me his “tree house” (which was actually the play set we have in our yard), helped him find my husband because he got an owie only daddy could handle, and took a picture of my daughter who made a pea-pod smile.
Anyway, the point is, I am (and forever will be) still learning so much about this business of self publishing. I have so many ideas that I can’t wait to get to. I feel excited about my stories and my characters. I am excited to find my audience, and I hope they will be entertained by what I write. I hope I will make them feel things. I am seeing it on a small scale right now. I love when I see someone has liked or followed me here, when someone happens to stumble upon my books on Amazon and makes a purchase. A friend of mine borrowed a copy of Into the Night, and she read it in a day and then gave it to her mom, who also read it in a day and immediately bought the second book. That’s a great feeling! I fantasize about when such things will happen on a larger scale. I feel a great amount of passion and excitement for all these things, and yet, I find myself distracted by Netflix, Candy Crush, reading books (which I call research, of course…), and other things that are legitimate and good (playing outside with my kids, going for walks, etc.)
My inconsistent work ethic may postpone me reaching my self-imposed deadlines and the overall finish line where I hope to make a career doing this, but I don’t see it stopping me. There’s always that flame flickering inside me. It is what brings me back to my computer, to my research, to my writing, and though I look forward to reaching some kind of finish line (I have a few in mind), I am not going to let the pressure of those long term goals stop me from enjoying my current, random, haphazard journey.
So, I won’t fire myself as an employee, and I know my employee won’t quit. She wants the job too badly.
Dawn Ludlow 